saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Randomize
