Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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