last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
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I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
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Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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