party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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