i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
