I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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