this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
