You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I'm always down for nudity.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
