I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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