Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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