Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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