my mouth tastes like poor choices
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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