I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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