I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
