omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
