When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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