and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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