You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Randomize
