You're my little dorito
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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