if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
