Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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