And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
