Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
