Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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