He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
