a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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