So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
