Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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