A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Randomize
