How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
