Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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