ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
