i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize