I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
