he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
