i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize