So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.