Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
These 21 People Are Related To Famous Celebrities
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.