On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
