just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Randomize
