So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
True strength comes from lack of pants
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
