It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
