i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
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We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
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If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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