p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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