Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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