New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
last night I used snow as a chaser
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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