I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
