What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
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