you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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