I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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