having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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