I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
