I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
