I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
