Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
