I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
