literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Randomize
