I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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