So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
