the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
